Letters to: You.

I'm not quite sure if these are love letters or not, so I'll just call them letters for now.
I feel like I have so much to say to you, but then I look back at this blog and it's like i've always been saying the same thing this whole time.
Regardless, I still feel like writing it all out. Even if it sounds the same, it doesn't feel the same.
I came back to blogspot because it's the only place where you don't gain peeping eyes like everyday or people can't reblog your stuff. Plus, I think, besides my current followers, you're the only one who knows about this blog.
And I want to believe you still check it from time to time. I want to believe you're still as curious about me like I still am about you.
*sigh.
I was trying to log back in and I was anxious to write something, but now that I'm sitting here in front of this screen it's kind of hard to actually get myself to say anything.
I guess let me start with how I actually thought about coming back to this blog again. I was on facebook and was surprised that I could actually search your name again, since I noticed you had deactivated a while ago. Then Mr. Hudson(I'm following him) post a throwback of Central Park, and it just reminded me of this blog.
It's so crazy how so many songs remind me of you, or a certain era where I was with you. I've had this blog since 2009 and since then you've had some sort of mention in it. Like, if I am being honest, this whole blog is kinda all about you.
I miss you. Like crazy. I think about you every day, and I have to will myself not to text you or call you.
But then I think about what would happen if I contact you and I realize it wouldn't make a difference...at all. I would still kind of hate you, and it wouldn't erase what you did. And it wouldn't erase what I did. And I guess that's where I'm at in my life right now. I'm at the point where I don't have enough negative feelings towards you to just say "fuck you" and move on. Because I still care about you feeling, because I still care about you, because I don't think I could handle it letting you go.
So I'm not talking to you or seeing you, but telling myself that I'll see you in a month or two. I'm not ready to accept the fact that I might have to just let you go entirely. I can live without you for a small while, but I don't know if I can see my life without you. I'm not sure if that even makes sense, but that's where my feelings are right now. I feel like if I get back with you, I'd still never trust you, and I'd always feel like I have to watch my back.
And I hate that.
Before all of this I would have never imagined you'd do the things you did to me. I never thought you were the kind of guy that was capable of that. You just hid it all so well. And you continued to do it. So I hope you can understand why I don't believe you anymore. I want to.
But, telling yourself “Maybe it will be different this time”. Is one of the cruelest lies you can tell yourself. Because after enough times, you believe it, which only makes the pain that much realer when you’re disappointed. Again